This one is going to make your day

Southern Grandma Lawyers  should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared  for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern  small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,  "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a  young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them  behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer  was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and  asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.  Not to mention  he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney  almost died.

The judge asked both counselors  to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of  you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

A man & his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three  kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm  running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present...Sorry."


"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said , "I really don't care; at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college.

All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones too!"

The Poodle and the Leopard

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attach in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says.... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME! Barney Clancy.

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has 5 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a
bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

  A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE (Too true to be considered humorous) 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Any married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the wife asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." The fight is now officially on again!!

TOP 10 REASONS HURRICANE SEASON IS LIKE CHRISTMAS    

10. Decorating the house (especially boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last-minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out of state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas....

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house.

Beth Patterson

The Pygmy

A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a Pygmy standing beside a very large dead beast...
Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The Pygmy answered, "Yes."
The hunter then asked, "How could a little guy like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the Pygmy, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The Pygmy replied, "Oh, there's about 60 of us."

When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the "message" never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way."
The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before all the casts come off.

Two police officers are out on patrol, they see a car driving erraticly down a busy street, they start to follow and turn on their flashing lights to get the drivers attention, nothing happens the car continues down the road, next they turn on the siren and again nothing happens. By now they are a bit peeved so they pull up beside the car but nothing happens, the officer in the passenger seat tells the driver, "that blonde is knitting she's not even paying attention to the road." The driver picks up the mircophone and switches on the police car's loud speaker and says "pullover." The blonde finally looks up, rolls down her window and shouts, "no it's a cardigan."
...............Alan Tipton

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion...
"Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS'?"
Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

While walking down the street one day a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the now former senator.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry but we have our rules.."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is the club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him, to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays her arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock
tale, it's real. Read to the end.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, dat's the idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the rain."

Teacher: What's the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Student: Yesterday you said it was H to O

Dear Bandleader:
We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. Please play these during the reception:

A Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange it for full ensemble in the keyof B but nothing in 4/4 please.

Mahavishnu Orchestra, "Dance of the Maya" and please have the guitarist play John Mclaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 at Chrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and we liked his use of polyrhythms.
One of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. Our guests love high register tenor saxes.

We thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. So please play "The Rite of Spring." We like a tempo of about 1/4 note = 93 and transpose it down 3 half-steps - it will be so much more appropriate for this occasion in the slightly lower register.

Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo." The original key of B flat, would be fine but my cousin Jeannie would like to sing the baritone sax solo in the key of D--she has kind of a
high voice.

When my new son-in-law takes off the garter, please just a little of Varese's "Ionization." It's such a funny piece, we think it would go over real well. Much better than "The Stripper."

And for the bride and groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings." It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or the "Anniversary Waltz."

When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear" - it's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family.

Thanks for all your help. Depending on the outcome we'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to our friends
We'll have your check for the fee of $250 (minus our expenses in contacting you of $12.50 ) by the end of next month: we're a little short as the young lady doing the balloon arch wanted her $1,850 in advance and the DJ had to
be paid up front his $2,500 as normal. Our daughter assured us that your love of music was greater than your need
for money, and that you would welcome the exposure you would get from playing this wedding.

Before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a snack sandwich and a soda (the bottles are returnable or you can pay the deposit to the butler).

Please use the back entrance to avoid disturbing the guests.

Sincerely yours,
Alice Rockefeller Gates

Three Aer Lingus pilots are walking up the ramp.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No. it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go have a pint"

Dear Lord,
Bless those who love us.
And if they don't love us, turn their hearts.
And if you can't turn their hearts
Turn their ankles, so we'll know them by their limping!

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

A day without sunshine is like night.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Some speakers need to put fire in their speeches; others, just the opposite.

Do not resent growing old. Many are denied the privilege.

Betsy: I want enough money to buy an elephant.
Justin: Why do you want to buy an elephant?!?
Betsy: I don't. I just want the money.

A restaurant is the only place where people are happy when they're fed up.

LOUISIANA HURRICANE SEASON NOTES

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person
pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico
and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare
for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences,
we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana,
or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane,
most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to pay YOU money,
and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company,
which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium,
Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors,
and -- if it's a major hurricane --all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house.
The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection:
They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds!
You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. (He lives in Nebraska.)

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property":
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane
winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out.
(To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home,
along with three hundred thousand other evacuees.
So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
(Remember three days food supply in your car. Now you know why!)

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights (and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.)
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
Note** it is supposed to be for chlorinating tap water**
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation
by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in the Sportsman's Paradise!

The four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

Up in heaven there are two gates. On the left hand side a sign says, "Stand here all men who have been nagged on earth by your wives." There are two million men standing in line. On the right side the sign says, "Stand here all you men who have not been nagged by your wives." Only one fellow is standing there, Pat Izzo. Saint Peter comes out and says, "Izzo, why are you standing there on your own?" Izzo says, "My wife, Willa, told me to."

The Potato Story
You know that potatoes have eyes.
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato whom they called Yam.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like Hot Potato and end up with a bunch of tater tots. Yam said not to worry; no spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato, either.
And she would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard boiled Irish potatoes; and the greasy guys from France called french fries.
And when she went out west, they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow.
She wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks saying Frito Lay.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips.
But, in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset!
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because....
...he's just a common tater.